happy new year

2005 has come and gone and with it a lot of memories and good times. J and I were reminiscing the other night and going over the year. It's amazing what God can do in one year to change us and build our faith.
This time last year I was at my end. I didn't know what was going to happen, and I wasn't sure I wanted to. I knew that God was working, but working at what, was my question. My family was with me, and I didn't want them to leave. Leaving meant that yet again I would have to say goodbye. I told J that he had to promise that I would never have to say goodbye to them again....of course he couldn't do that....which made me sob even more.
2006 brings a year full of promise and tests. Aion Construction is going full swing and we are encouraged by the contacts J has made and the favor that God haa had on him. I love being with my family and living in Phoenix! It is so great to be able to call my mom and know she is just around the corner if I need help. My kids love being with Niall and Charys. Wil is in love with his uncle Matt. It is really the fulfillment of a dream!
But, I have to say that something has happened that is shaking me to the core, and is putting me right back to where I was at the end of last year. I am late....six days to be exact....and I am really starting to panic. We took extreme measures (J's words - Ha!) to make sure this wouldn't happen again and now it seems like it might be. What's done is done, and if I am pregnant we'll have to deal with it. However, I am struggling with feelings of panic, anger, and selfishness. I really don't want to be pregnant....I don't enjoy it....I get sick...and my body doesn't deal well with it either. You all know how I feel, just put yourself in my place. This is difficult for me. I have never been in the position where I am not excited to not have my period! ARGH! Lots of frustration right now....sorry if this is rambling....we're going to get a test today to see what's going on. Please be praying for us. J is having to deal with a looney wife right now.....and he himself is very conflicted about his feelings. Maybe it's just holiday stress....but I just don't know. I'll post with the results tomorrow....
Happy New Year to me????????????
Happy New Year to you all! May God truly bless and enrich your lives with His love for you in the coming year. We all have surprises in store for us, I'm sure!
Love You All,
Jen

Christmas

I hope that everyone's holiday plans are going well. We leave for ABQ on the 23rd and return home on the 27th. Christmas cards are on their way, half the Christmas goodies are made, gifts are all bought (except for J's dad, for whom I never know what to get), and all the decorations/tree are up. It's hard to feel Christmasy when the leaves are just now changing on the trees, but I have to say I'm loving the 65-70 degree weather! I miss you all so much. I'm having quite a bout of homesickness right now. But, I do NOT miss the snow! We went to a boat light parade this weekend and they had snow there for the kids to play in. Needless to say, we pretty much avoided that area! HA! I love being with my family; but after having made all of you my family for eight years, I can say that I really miss you all too!
I hope that you all have a great Christmas. Enjoy your families, play in the snow and remember that Jesus loves you all so much.

P.S. - If you have not read the book "Christ the Lord - Out of Egypt" by Anne Rice, you have to get it! One of the best books I've ever read. If you didn't know, Anne Rice is a born again Christian - doesn't regret the Vampire stuff - but is writing in a new direction now. Jason, I would really be interested on your take on this book. Fascinating!

fun

How long has it been since you've had some good old-fashioned fun with your spouse? To be honest, before yesterday it had been awhile for me. We decided to have our Aion Christmas party...HA HA HA....yesterday. SO, my parents took the kids and we went to go have some fun.
And we did! We went to see "Walk The Line" (which I have to say is one of the top 5 best movies I've ever seen...if Joaquin Phoenix doesn't at least get nominated for the Oscar it will be a shame.)and got a large popcorn and coke (which I never get, because it's too many calories). We held hands and cuddled during the movie. We had such fun! We then went to Chili's for dinner and had soup and steaks (which I never get because it's too much $$). We talked and laughed and ate and laughed some more. It was so much.....fun! We did things that we never get to do because of kids, money or dieting. It was just one day...but it was much needed. We've been so occupied with the business and kids that we have been neglecting our marriage.
I think that sometimes we get so busy with everything else that J and Jen get lost in the shuffle.
And speaking of fun, we went to the Gilbert Vineyard this morning. We were really nervous, because we didn't know a soul. But, everyone was really friendly. It reminded me a lot of Jason and Jenell's church. There are three services on Sunday morning. The pastor was someone that preached at the Tempe Vineyard this summer, so we were familiar with him. This Sunday was "Table Church." They do this about 4 times a year. They set up round tables and everyone sits together and does like a small group. There were discussion questions and an actual ministry time! This is much more like the Vineyard's that J and I are familiar with. They have their own facility and it is really nice. So, needless to say, I was impressed. They do have a dance team - HALLELUJAH! It was enough to make us want to check it out again next Sunday. I think that my parents and Matt and Chris would enjoy it as well. SO, we'll see! But, it was hopeful!
Anywhoo...it was a nice weekend. Lots of FUN!

reunion

Well...I'm tired. We had a wonderful weekend with my family. It was so great to see all my cousins, aunts, uncles and grandparents. We have grown a lot since our last reunion two years ago. It was really fun and worth all the hard work!

Thursday - We met at the church at 2 pm and totally pigged out! One thing about my family - we KNOW how to cook! We had tons of food and just had fun visiting and catching up. My aunt Jerri showed a video presentation in memory of Andrea before we left. It was sad, but neat to see old pictures of all of us as kids and remembering Andrea... Her boys were able to be there and it was good to see them.

Friday - We all did different things during the day. I went shopping with my Aunt Jackie, grandma, my cousin's wife Nikki, Chris and my mom. It was fun, but BUSY! We had a Mexican potluck in the evening with a game night after. We played games for about three hours! I played "SongBurst" with my cousins and we laughed and laughed! If you have never played that game, it is hysterical!

Saturday - We had a family picnic at the park all day. We played all kinds of games, ate (like we needed to!), and visited. It was great. That evening, we went to Joe's BBQ for dinner. Afterward we said goodbye to everyone and my Aunt Jackie, Uncle Jim, Casey (his partner),my grandparents and my cousin Ryan and Nikki came over to our house to look around. It was nice to finally show my grandparents where I live. They have never been to a house that was mine before.

All in all, it couldn't have been better. The kids all got along and hardly fought.
I realized several things while I was with my family this weekend:
1. My uncle Jim and his partner Casey are precious people. Even though I may not agree with homosexuality, I love my uncle very much. They are careful not to push it in anyone's face and are respectful. They are so fun to be with and J and I have had some heartfelt discussions about this whole issue. Both of us have/had uncles that are/were gay.
2. Even though my aunt Jackie and I have had some rocky times, I know she loves me like I was her own. She has been a very important person in my life for most of my life. She is great and I love her so much. She takes the time to have a relationship with all her nieces and nephews...and it pays off for her, because I know that we all feel the same way about her.
3. This might be the last time that my grandparents will be a part of all this. I was so sad to see that time is taking its toll. My grandma and grandpa are very special people and I don't want them to get old. They took great pains to make sure our family took and still takes time for each other.
4. My mom is one hard worker! She put all of this together, organized everyone and made sure that everyone had a good time. I just took orders! HA! It was interesting to see this side of her!

Anyway, this is becoming a book! Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and took the time to thank God for your own families! Wish we could've been with you all!

thanksgiving

As I go into a really crazy weekend with my family reunion, I want to pause and say "thanks" to all of you who have stood by and with me for a long time.

Alyson - Thanks for being such a great friend. I so enjoy our talks, even though we don't get to talk very often now, it's always like no time has passed. Thanks for keeping in touch even though we live apart. God is really working in your life, and that is so exciting and wonderful to see. We are praying for your mom and hope that this Thanksgiving is special, even under the circumstances.

Jason and Jenell - Thanks for being such a safe place for me to go to. I had such a good time when Cais and I were there! You have both been such incredible friends to both J and I. We miss you and your laughs! Jenell, thanks for everything. You are such an incredible example to all who you come in contact with. You are a beautiful, talented woman and I am proud to call you my friend. Enjoy your Thanksgiving with Dave and Denise...please tell them we said "Hi".

Marlene - Thanks for your constant support and encouragement. There are some days that I feel like I'm about "done in" and I'll get an email from you telling me that you guys are praying. Thanks for taking on such a daunting task at the church. I have heard from many people that you are doing a fanatastic job. I am so thankful to count you as a friend! I hope that your Thanksgiving is wonderful and relaxing.

I just felt like I needed to do that. Sometimes we get so caught up in the craziness of life that we forget that we need to thank and be thankful for all those who have made a difference in our lives.
Anyway, my family is here and everyone has made it safely. It's so great to visit with everyone and see how two years has made such a difference in everyone's lives. This will be a difficult time for us, as Andrea will not be here to celebrate with us. It is weird to think that she won't be here. Her boys are coming though and for that I am thankful. Her kids are about the same age as Cais and Sam.

I love you all!
Jen

mitford

I just finished reading the last book in the Mitford series. I'm feeling a little sad that this is the last time that I'm going to hear from these characters. "The Light from Heaven" is the seventh and final book about Father Tim and his people. It was a beautiful book that tied up most of the loose ends and ended how books like this should end.

I love happy endings. I love going to Mitford. I would love being a member in Father Tim's church - even if I have never been Episcopalian! I love the author - Jan Karon. She writes about a place that I would love to be a part of - even with all the snow! HA! Imagine that!

In my head I know that these people aren't real, but my heart still grieved when Uncle Billy died. I loved that Dooley and Lace end up together. I'm so glad that Father Tim and Cynthia are finally going on their long awaited vacation to Ireland.

I'll say it again...I love going to Mitford. When things in my world aren't fun or going the right way, all I have to do is open one of those books and I am transported into that world. A world where seasons come and seasons go, but relationship is the most important thing. A world where things go wrong, but there are people there to help pick up the pieces. A world where family means something!

I have to say that Father Tim has preached me a few sermons in these books. I have learned about a faith that knows no bounds. I have learned that we need to give thanks in EVERYTHING...no matter how good or bad it is!

And so I close with a heavy heart. I know that's a little dramatic, but I'm really sad that there won't be an eighth book to look forward to. If you ever get a chance to read these books, you should. The journey to Mitford is one you won't soon forget.

decisions

We have decided to start looking for a new church. We like the church we currently attend, but just don't feel like it's the right fit. This decision is hard, primarily because it means starting over yet again. We feel that we have gone about all this the right way, and know that this church just doesn't have what we need.
Last Sunday, we attended their welcome class. It was your basic Vineyard 101 class, background and vision stuff. I asked about dance and was told that I could lead a small group, but there wasn't room in the movie theater to dance. So, I couldn't ever dance in church. The pastor doesn't like free dance, with good reason. After careful consideration and prayer, I just feel that I need to go to a church that fully embraces dance and has an established team. This is what God called me to do with Cais and I feel that I need to honor that, no matter how uncomfortable that makes me. At BSF today, our leader said "Sacrifice is not a sacrifice unless it is a sacrifice." So true. This is a sacrifice to me, because this (dance) is always the first question I have to ask now.
It's interesting, because while J and I have been deciding this, my entire family has been in this same process. Matt and Chris and my mom and dad will be leaving the church either before or after Christmas. It's funny to me that this is all happening at the same time. I have known for some time that they have not been happy there, but just chalked it up to talk and not much more. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people leaving right now. I think it's a combination of needs not being met and giftings not being used because the leadership feels people aren't "good enough." Sadly, how are people ever going to learn how to do what God has called them to unless they are allowed to try, sometimes fail and then try again? I know from personal experience that the fact that Judy and Alyson allowed me to be on the dance team and were patient and worked with me, allowed me to build confidence to be able to actually dance before a congregation. It wasn't instant, but they saw that I was serious about what God had said and mentored that desire in my heart. Unless people are allowed to do that, how are new leaders, thoughts, ideas, music, worship going to be raised up?
Growing up as a pastor's kid has made me a little jaded when it comes to church. I tend to question motives and be very cynical - especially about church politics. Working in the church has made me really disillusioned with people in general. It seems that everyone wants a piece of the "action" without taking any responsibility for nuturing it and helping it grow. However, growing up a PK has enabled me to see these things and try to work to change it. I feel so much freedom in being able to make this decision. This is new for me, as I have never had to look for another church before. Weird.
Sorry my thoughts are rambling....I'm just processing all of this and hope it makes sense. We are going to try the Gilbert Vineyard after Thanksgiving and go from there. Pray that we are able to find a new church home quickly and without too much drama.

pure

It's always amazing to me how God uses words of knowledge when we least expect it.
About a year and a half ago, a man named Bobby Conner came to our church to speak. He had a prophecy for each member of the staff and I was really surprised that I was included. He just spoke two scriptures over my name: Matthew 5:8 and Job 42:5. Here is what they say:

Matthew 5:8 - "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."
Job 42:5 - "My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you."

I always laughed when I thought of those verses, because if you know me AT ALL you know that I feel like a person who is not the least bit pure of heart! A man in our church started calling me "pure heart" when addressing me and I used to smile and think "ummm...no!"
However, over the last two weeks, both of these verses have been used either in Sunday service or BSF to encourage and enlighten me.
We sing a song in church about how "my ears have heard and now my eyes shall see your glory". On Sunday, our pastor, John Hernandez spoke about being pure of heart. Instead of addressing it like being pure of heart is always having pure thoughts/motives, he said that being pure of heart is having room in your heart ONLY for God and letting His love pour out over all the other things in your life (like family/spouse/finances, etc...) He had us make a list of all the things that we crowd into our heart and place over God. I think I wrote down 20 things....seriously! I was so convicted! And then it hit me....those who are pure of heart shall see God because God is all they see! When we start living like serving God is the most important thing, all things will fall into the place where GOD intends them to be.
Pray for me. We are taking the welcome class at our church and will have to make a decision in two weeks whether we would like to be members or not. We are really undecided and are feeling a little confused.
This learning stuff is kicking my butt.....but I have to say that I am SO loving it right now!

tv

I used to love TV. I had my favorite shows...I anxiously anticipated season premiers, sweeps weeks and finales. Now, I am left feeling irritated by those same shows. Shows that I have invested several years of my viewing time into.
For example....Alias. This is by far my and J's favorite show. Sadly this year they have decided to reduce it to a shell of its former self. They killed off the love interest (Michael Vaughn) and now Sydney is five/six months pregnant (like Jennifer Garner in real life) and is still fighting the bad guys in search for Michael's killer. Last night I looked at J and said "do they HONESTLY expect me to believe that a five month along pregnant women is able to book it up 10 flights of stairs?" "I could barely make it up five stairs without having to stop and catch my breath!" It's like the writers forgot the audience they were writing for. Most people who watch Alias are my age. They moved it to Thursday night at 7 pm - right when most of us are putting our kids to bed! It used to be such a smart, well-written show, enjoyable to watch and anticipate. Now, we tape it and sometimes watch two episodes at once, fast forwarding through the stupid new characters and plot lines.
You may think I have issues with TV. That maybe I should be living in the real world instead. But, I like to relax and live someone else's life for a couple hours a week. I'm just so disappointed in all the shows I watch this year. They are boring, tired and the same. YUCK!

yelling

As I said before, God is really teaching me a lot lately. I can barely recover from one thing, and the next lesson is upon me.
The newest lesson deals with my attitude/reactions with my kids. I tend to yell A LOT and sometimes I don't even realize it. Yesterday, Cais stepped on my foot in the store and I calmly told her that it hurt and to watch where she was going. She paused, looked at me and said "Mom, why didn't you yell at me?" OUCH OUCH OUCH!!!!!! I just told her that I was trying to stop that and we went on with our day. But, I realized that she is getting to the age that things like that don't just roll off of her. They can pierce and wound her tender little heart.

We went to the zoo today and had a great time. We met my sister-in-law, Chris and two new friends, Nicole and Sarah. It was 82 degrees and beautiful. I purposefully tried to NOT yell today and to my relief I didn't. Even when Sam spilled the water bottle and just stared at it spilling all of the water for the day out, even when Cais was fighting with Niall, even when Sam was disobeying at the playground! But the most telling thing to me was that my kids were relaxed, calm and had a good time the entire day. Even Wil was a perfect angel.
Cais is such a huge helper for me. She is such a great kid and I love her so much. She loves to help get Wil ready and can even change his diapers when they are wet. She is learning so much and just loves being with mom. We are going to have a girls night w/Wil included on Friday with Chris and Charys. The boys are going off on a camping trip Friday/Saturday. I'm actually looking forward to the weekend!

Tonight is PowerBall! I have to confess that J bought three tickets.....what are the chances????? HA!

Bed Twister

2:19 am - I am laying in bed wondering what in the world I ever did to deserve having to sleep with my children! I have NEVER advocated the family bed, but yet here I am wide awake with one kid in my bed and the other two coming in and out! I am terrified of sleeping alone, so with J gone last night, I decided to let Cais sleep with me. Sam and Wil decided that they would rather sleep in Cais' bed instead of their own. So, with everyone fast asleep, I went to bed, fervently hoping that I could actually sleep.
WRONG!
About 2:15 am, Sam falls out of Cais' bed and comes crying into my room. He wants to sleep with us. So, being the "good" mom , I let him. About 2 min. later I am totally regretting that decision and decide to move him into his own bed. That works for one minute until he had to go to the bathroom and wakes me up to take him. Wil in the meantime is having the coughing fit of a lifetime and Cais decides that she would like her body on her side and her legs on mine! ARGH!
Back to 2:19 am - I am tired. Tired of never getting enough sleep, tired of playing bed twister with my kids, tired of J having to be in Anthem.....Of course HE gets to sleep in his OWN bed, blissfully unaware of the havoc his children are wreaking with my sleep! Bed Twister is a game NOT for the faint of heart. It requires a great deal of skill and patience. I personally have NO patience, so you can understand how this is all going for me!

Note: I finally fell asleep around 2:45. Wore up at 6:30 to get myself and the kids ready. Got Cais off to school and called J. Turns out he had no sleep, as he worked ALL NIGHT! So, I guess I can't complain.

life - fact or fiction

I've been going through a huge period of growth in the last month. Learning to truly depend on God and to listen to what He's saying. Not always the easiest thing for me, as I don't really like to depend on anyone except myself. Personality flaw......I know.
Anyway, today at BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) the speaker was talking about having faith. We are studying Genesis and the Principal she stated was "When God says "no" it is NOT up for discussion." "If God is withholding something it is not His best for you. Will you trust Him with what you can't have?" This is something that I really stuggle with. I want what I want NOW! And I think that most of us are like that. I don't like to be told "no."
With J starting his business I feel like I am learning this Principal day by day. I CAN'T know the future and I CAN'T control the situation. I never thought about it in regards to not getting something you want means it's not God's best for you. Makes you think......
Is my life fact or fiction? Do I look at life realistically in terms of the blessings that I have from the Lord or do I let the enemy lie to me? I think this is a big turning point in my relationship with the Lord. I need to stop loving the things of the world and start looking AT the world with godly eyes.
I'm fasting from chocolate in order to help my sister-in-law keep up her not smoking pledge. I figure this is my first step into being real with myself. I can say all day that I'll pray for her....while I'm eating my chocolate cake! HA! It's quite another to walk the road with her and give up my own addiction. She put it best when she said, "How would you feel if you knew that you could NEVER have another piece of chocolate again? Could you do it?" This is how she feels about smoking. And, since my brother started smoking again, it's even harder. But, while I was talking to her I realized that everyone has their own addiction. For me, it's chocolate. Sad to say, it is my comfort. I turn to chocolate instead of to God whenever the chips (no pun intended) are down. And that is truly the nature of addiction, isn't it?
I'm learning....the hard way (as always)....but I'm still learning!