Where do I begin....I guess at the beginning...only seems the most obvious....
Anyway, going to church is hard. Anyone else feel that way? Especially when you are new. I swear, to come from a church where everyone knows your name and then to go somewhere where no one does is hard. (Anybody feel like singing the theme song from "Cheers" here??? Ha!)
Don't get me wrong. I'm really excited about Amadeo. We had our first service last night and I was able to see what God is doing in the midst of us. It was really great to finally start. I'm sure the others who started this whole thing felt the same way.
But, it's difficult to explain the feeling of walking into a room and having people smile at you and not really know who you are or why you're there. Again, that feeling of being "known". What is up with that?
It's very curious to me why I feel this way. No one has made me feel unwelcome...but here I am, feeling sad and down....over nothing really! I guess I'm feeling impatient. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin again. I haven't felt that way in almost two years. Going back to Park City probably was a set back for me. While I know we are in the right place, I also really miss our "family" in Utah.
I think that's why last night was hard for me. In Utah I would be the one in charge of the peripheral stuff and everyone would be coming to me saying "Jen, what do you want me to do?" Instead I'm asking that same question and people are looking at me like "who are you?" OK - maybe this is a control thing....I don't know.
Jenell and I have been talking a lot lately about missing what we used to have. It's hard when the people you want to see the most live a zillion miles away and you can't just call them up and say "let's go get a coffee, I need to cry..." I don't have someone like that here for me, so I think that's why I'm feeling this way.
OK - this is making me cry now, so I'm going to stop writing about this. I'm OK - just needed to get that off my chest.
Everything else is great. Planning J's birthday party (the big 3-0) and I've invited lots of people to come (Betty is coming too! YEA!). We're going to have it at Buca di Beppo, which should be fun! The kids are doing great - but are soooooo busy! I'm questioning why I thought that soccer and kid's bible clubs would work.....oh well! They're hanging in there.... Their first games are on Saturday, so we are looking forward to that. Luckily for us, Cais' practice is in our subdivision. I took on the position of VP for our PTSO at school, so that enables me to put in my time that we're supposed to for the school. But, it just makes me busier....HA! Maybe that's good for right now....growing pains...who knew???
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
I can relate. I felt like that living in Sacramento for two years. Oddly, I've had some similar feelings after returning to Phoenix, and that's been more difficult for me. I expected to pick up where I left off. I've never been on staff, but I might as well have been. I helped build that church, was in a variety of ministries, and everyone knew me. People often came to me before they went to staff, because they knew I could give them an idea what staff was thinking. I was important. I came back and people had stepped up and taken my jobs. Lots of new people, and none of them had a clue what a superstar I was. LOL Doggonit, they didn't need me as much as I thought they did. ;) It hurts a little to think God can replace me so quickly with others who are just as passionate as me.
I know this: God has a place and job for us in His kingdom. Sometimes I bang my head against the wall trying to figure out what that is, but every time he brings me back to my home and I'm reminded what my first ministry is. I don't always treat it like that, and I think perhaps I've missed what God was doing in our lives at times because of my misplaced attention. But if I never hold another position in church again, I know I have a leading position in my house, and God's in charge there.
See you at the big shindig!
Hey, I'm sorry to hear about the difficulty and have been thinking along these lines a lot lately also. I have some fears about what my new life will be like and also feel very nostalgic for "what we had". The thing for me is: I have not yet left, but in many ways have some of those same feelings already just with you and Jenell being gone. New people don't know me, mostly because I haven't taken the time to let them, but even the ones I have do not know me. The me you and Jenell know. They don't know what we had and really its probably best that way, because I think some people felt like outsiders because of our close knit. So, maybe that is why God is moving us all over the place. He wants to have us be effective again. I hope that one day we can be effective together. How cool would that be?! Ministering together. We all have such different strengths and gifts I think it would work great. At least after we have learned these forthcoming lessons God has planned!
By the way, I left you a message and you never called me back. BOO, HOO. I love you so much.
One day you will be so absorbed with the busy=ness of God's work and people at Amadeo that you will say - "why won't they leave me alone." Arggggh.
And a good way to get with people is to continue inviting like you have started already - but of course you know that...but there are a lot of strangers and aliens in our group that feel the same way as you - so I hope you will be the one that makes them feel at home.
Forgive the obnoxius pastor voice.
Here is a little something from the obnoxious Pastor's wife. haha Wow I think that it is hard to be in a new place no matter what. I knew almost all of the people last night and I think that I still felt the lonliness and fear maybe that you did. It is exactly like Ben preached last night. You are from a new state and I am having to change my state of mind having to leave a "family" I have known for 11 years. But we would be strange or crazy if we didn't feel that sense of loss. Just know that I personally think that you are amazing and I can't wait until the days we go and have coffee together and chat about the new "family" we have made together. We love you and your family tons. Mandy
Matt - Thanks for that...I needed a laugh(you superstar, you!) and some focus. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one! I pray that you find your way back to what you feel God has called you to.
Alyson - OOPS! I have been so busy that I sadly forgot the message. I will call you tomorrow.... hopefully.......
Ben and Mandy - We already just love your family so much. You have bent over backwards to make us feel welcome. I thank you for your comments and know that what you're saying is so true in regards to many others feeling that way. I meant to reference your message last night in my post, as I think that's what got me started.... Please know that what I wrote is in no way negative towards you or Amadeo. The post was actually meant to release some of the things I've been feeling for a while now. They just happened to all converge upon me last night. We look forward to walking along this path with you and the others in the group. Growing pains are hard...but not life threatening.....
Jen I have those exact feelings at times and I do have people here! I go through sad times when I feel like I have nobody to reach out to at times. It's so real and normal. It causes us to draw nearer to him. Hang in there. You are a blessing to me.
Jen, you and J are so amazing. What a blessing it is to have your family a part of the bigger family we all call Amadeo. Blessings.
Jen we are not patient. Worthwhile friendships do not come easly or in a short time. I tell myself that as I am telling you.
Post a Comment